ADD_IC/XION

ADD_IC/XION

A constant series of inconsistencies


Days, hours, minutes, seconds
Measured by highs and lows that precede relapse
Anger the gasoline that burns in my soul 
Fueling my desire to Succeed
GROW

Escape

FORGET
Forget that my father was an alcoholic
Forget that my brother was an addict
Forget that this was my life

You feel like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders
Carrying the burden of a sin that you do not own

Battling insecurities 

left, 

right

 and center

Longing to be free- 
And to create your own: 
Reality

Tonight, I am frustrated- but it's just the same
A circle of anger, tears, regret and shame
Constant as the rain
A bad night- a new day
We go on our way

Do Church, love Jesus, and try hard to pray

But the pain's in-excusable
And courage is lost
When tears are your pillow
And all night you toss:
You awake to fresh Hope- yes
But who shares your pain?
Your battle for perfection, they interpret as Vain...

You won't settle for less
'Cos you've seen what it looks like
And you've felt its cold grip:
Nothing in life is ever worth taking that trip

At times I feel like: The definition of Grace is lost on a user
'Cos that's what they do:
Use and abuse
"Sorry", really means: " I meant it"
Regret is a lie.
A lie is a promise just to get high.
But, still you Believe. You Pray. You Hope.
That their lives won't just go up in smoke.

I'm so tired of being the strong one-
The Hero
I just need somewhere soft to finally fall
I'm so tired of judgement by sugary princesses
Who live in tall castles, behind electrified walls 

To those who pass judgment before getting to know me
To see through all the toughness and barbed wire and body
Before your analysis- process the diagnosis
Take off your perfect pumps and walk in my shoes

Addiction is a cycle that never seems to end:
Broken promises, broken families, broken hearts-
Never seeming to mend
You live through every relapse, rehab visit and bad day
And your FAITH is what helps you to see the light along the way

But, this still sucks!

One day, with God's grace
I'll never have to look back
There will be nothing, there will be no one to get me off track
My Destiny is mine and I know God is on my side
The past IS closed shut
And my future: OPEN WIDE!!!

Thank You Jesus!

Becoming His Best...


© 2012 Allison Pillay


















 

Love is a Fruit

I love journals. Seriously I do. 

It is always so encouraging to go back to old posts, protests and prayers and witness just how the hand of God has carried you through time. And some entries are just timeless. I was encouraged by one such entry from a while back.

"There is ultimately no loss in Love, for by opening up your heart to another- you can only grow. Love is the antithesis of all commodities, because when you choose to give it away, it always comes back- in one form or another. The economics of Love is that it is always in demand, and our most reliable supplier- God- never runs out! By being connected to Divine Love we are made innately aware of new things. For even when love is not reciprocated, love in its truest essence and noblest intentions is never wasted. In the end- when all has fallen away and everything has been shaken- Love will still be standing. 

"This means that all of creation will be shaken and removed, so that only unshakable things will remain."                         Hebrews12:27

The challenge in each day should thus not be merely to succeed, attain or overcome, but to love divinely. We find the key in Jesus. Love (not merely the idea of it) is practical not theoretical. They say: " Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" Yet, love is not a trade- off or barter. Love in its purest form is a willing sacrifice. It says, " I have weighed up the options and I choose to put you first". Like Jesus who basically said, " though I have to die- I give my life for you to live." Love is a Choice.

See, when flutterings falter, looks fade, cash flow slows, attraction dies and chemistry fizzles out, Love says: " I will still choose you". Think about it, Jesus knew exactly how many times we would mess up, fail Him and yet still chose to die for and love us every single day! That's amazing! How can we love like that?

Love says: "Regardless of what I can get from you, I will seek your face and not just your hand. I will seek your heart and not just your wallet. I will seek your good and not just my gain."

Thus, there is ultimately no loss in Love because it is always a choice. A choice to believe that anything is possible. Love is the greatest adventure. There are no winners or losers in Love because it's never a game. 
It's a fruit, so cultivate it, eat it, share it and in doing so- learn from the Master Himself."

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

                                                                                          John 15:13

Till then, 

Keep Becoming His Best...

 
© 2012 Allison Pillay